Introduction, Methodology and 'Walking'

Introduction and Methodology

 

There is a belief common amongst humans that they are the superior species on this planet and that, in relation to them, we dogs are cerebrally inferior.  This volume of my thesis on the behaviour of dumb animals sets out to prove that humans are in fact the stupid ones.  However, that argument is a very minor part of the thesis, because it can be effortlessly substantiated within three short lines of logic.  Humans apply the terminology of ownership to describe their relationship to us, but consider this:

 

Who feeds whom?  Who gives the other shelter?  Who picks up whose shit?

 

As you can see, we’re not the stupid ones.  Admittedly, and very sadly, not all dogs enjoy the benefits of human servility to our species.  Many are mistreated or have their balls served for dinner in south-east Asian countries – a fact which in itself challenges the claim of human superiority.  Therefore, to foster a sense of confidence in the minds of those beleaguered dogs suffering at the hands of humans so that they might rise up against their oppressors, and to merely amuse the rest of us who live comfortably with our pet humans serving our every need, my main purpose is to present to you the many facets of the stupidity of homo sapiens.

 

Human Stupidity #1 – Walking

 

Amongst the many skills of our own species, walking ranks highly.  The humans would have us give them credit for helping us to develop this skill, because in their crass arrogance they speak about ‘taking the dog for a walk.’  Who’s taking whom for a walk, arsehole? I’m sure you’ll agree that we’ve pretty much developed that skill for ourselves and we certainly perform it better than humans.  Have you seen a human walking at pace, nose to the ground, adeptly avoiding bumping into trees and lamp-posts, but still capable of running its noses along their perimeters with all the dexterity of an X-Wing fighter flying along the trenches of the Death Star?  No, of course not; because humans walk around like dickheads.

 

The main cause of human incapability in this regard seems to stem from the ubiquitously employed hand-held electronic device that they refer to as their ‘phone.’  The term itself is a misnomer, given that sound is not its principle function.  Not in public at least, unless it’s one of those humans who exist without a sense of social etiquette and play You Tube videos out loud while on busy public transport, as if everyone else might be entertained by the tinny echoes of giggling imbeciles falling over.  The phone, as it appears to me through my observation of its use by humans walking along busy streets whilst intently staring at it, might have one of the following purposes:

• It could be some form of radar.  Humans do not look up to check for obstacles, particularly other advancing humans, when they have their phones in their hands (which is pretty much the whole time).  Therefore, you might conclude that the phone performs the function of detecting on-coming humans even better than the two devices that nature has already bestowed on people – their eyes.
• It could be a clever form of crowd-control.  Because it naturally slows people down to a snail-like pace, it could be argued that it helps to manage congestion.  However, some of the less stupid humans choose not to walk around with a phone in hand and are seen to be visibly irritated by having some idiot impeding their efforts to get from A to B (for example, the dickhead who gets off the 7.28 train into Kentish Town every morning, the one in the brown courier uniform that you really need to beat to the staircase.)
• Or - and this is more likely when compared to the two overly creditworthy theories above - the phone aids the dumb human in meeting the challenge of walking by instructing him or her of what to do.  I’m told that phones carry a wealth of information and my theory is that the screen displays the words ‘Left foot forward, right foot forward, Left foot forward, right foot forward’ on a constant loop, occasionally punctuated with ‘turn left’ or ‘turn right’ (and for some younger males, often clad in grey tracksuit bottoms, ‘scratch bollocks’)

In summary then, dogs are superior to humans when it comes to walking, especially as we have not invented and employed on a mass scale any kind of device that makes that common daily function so bloody difficult.