Human Stupidity #2 – Working

There is a pungent taste of misery in the air in my house today.  This is the consequence of the human folly known as ‘working’.  Tomorrow, people go back to work after time off to celebrate two festivals known as Christmas and New Year (the first is a celebration of the birth of a human called Jesus, 2,000 years ago, although it is not actually his birthday and the reason for celebrating his birth is because some humans believe he has superpowers, but most humans don’t and yet they still celebrate, although by ‘celebrate’ they pretty much don’t mention the bloke and just eat and drink loads and give each other new things unnecessarily wrapped in paper that is immediately thrown away; the second festival is all to do with a number changing, which I don’t really understand.)  And so, after a break from ‘working’ the humans return to this strange pastime with all the enthusiasm of a month’s rainfall (which ironically is what we’ve just had.)

 

It would appear that humans spend the majority of their waking hours engaged in ‘work’ and the reason why I have termed it as a ‘folly’ is because most of it seems unnecessary and very few humans actually take pleasure from doing it.  It begs the question, doesn’t it?  Why the hell do they do it?

 

The sole reason for choosing to work is to gain ‘money’.  Money is sometimes bits of round metal (useless to us for chewing) and plastic-coated slips of paper, but much of the time it’s just numbers in a computer.  Humans are pretty hopeless at sharing, which I can’t really criticise, being a dog and all.  I mean, NOBODY TAKE MY STUFF!  And so for humans to get stuff they want, they need to get money first and then give some money to other people who have the stuff.  They’ve devised a pretty shit system in which the things you need the most, like food and shelter and clothes, all have to be swapped for money. (I know, clothes are a bit redundant, but humans are scared of people seeing their genitals – they have a funny attitude to willies and stuff anyway, as us dogs will know from how they react when we roll on our backs with our feet in the air.)  The problem is that most of the food and shelter and clothes originally belong to people with funny names like Tesco or Halifax or Primark who have lots of money, in fact, more money than they need.

 

On top of this, humans like to swap lots of money for complete and utter shit that they don’t need.  Some of this complete and utter shit makes them happy, but most of it only makes them happy while they are in process of getting it.  Once they’ve got it, they forget about it, abandon it somewhere in the house, tell us dogs off for daring to sniff it for chewability reasons and eventually, after moaning about how much ‘mess’ this complete and utter shit has piled up to become, they put it in plastic bins outside their houses and a big green lorry comes along and takes it away for burial. (I should note at this point, that it is inappropriate for humans to refer to our poo as ‘dog’s mess’ when, far from being like their ‘mess’ of unwanted things, it is actually very tidy and easy for them to pick up.)

 

Some of the money humans get for work is spent on enjoying ‘not working’, which seems a bit ironic.  So about once a week they buy liquid that makes them either giggle or shout and then gives them a head-ache and food that is brought to the door and smells different to their normal food and causes me to wag my tail with interest, before being told to fuck off to bed.  And once a year, they spend a really big amount of their money, often more than they actually have (so they have to borrow money from one of those funny-named people with more money than them, in this case either a human called Overdraft or another called Wonga, who sounds like some kind of dodgy king) and they go away from home and leave us dogs in a kennel, which is boring and noisy; and when they come back they are a different colour and a lot happier.  Until they have to go back to work.

 

Human puppies don’t have to work.  Instead, they have to go to a place called a ‘school’ which most of them hate, because grown-up humans tell them what to do every minute of the day.  Imagine that! ‘Sit!’ ‘Stay!’ ‘Sshhh!’ ‘Show me your paw!’  And the purpose of going to ‘school’ is to prepare human puppies for going to ‘work’, so that’s another reason why they mostly hate it.  They get taught stuff that they generally forget, purely so that they are used to learning for when they have to learn how to ‘work’ and it takes 14 or sometimes 17 years of practice to be good enough at learning to go to ‘work’.  That’s like two whole years of our lives.  Madness.  And they use all these numbers in schools to tell human puppies how good they are at learning.  If you’re not very good, you get low numbers and when you have to go to ‘work’ then the numbers you get on your computer that mean how much money you have are also quite low, which makes you wonder why you bothered for all that time.

 

Now, you are probably wallowing deep enough in your own disbelief, but there’s more folly to this ‘work’ bollocks that humans inflict on themselves.  They carry on working until they are so old that their hair has gone grey, their skin has gone wrinkly and they can only move slowly; at which point, others humans don’t know what to do with them and in lots of cases these older humans need someone to look after them.  Which usually costs…. Yes, you guessed it, money!  You’d think that after all those years of preparing for work and all those years of intensively working, all for money, the older greyer wrinkly humans would have so much of it that they could live in luxury like us dogs.

 

Well, you’d be wrong.  Which is another reason why humans are stupid.

Introduction, Methodology and 'Walking'

Introduction and Methodology

 

There is a belief common amongst humans that they are the superior species on this planet and that, in relation to them, we dogs are cerebrally inferior.  This volume of my thesis on the behaviour of dumb animals sets out to prove that humans are in fact the stupid ones.  However, that argument is a very minor part of the thesis, because it can be effortlessly substantiated within three short lines of logic.  Humans apply the terminology of ownership to describe their relationship to us, but consider this:

 

Who feeds whom?  Who gives the other shelter?  Who picks up whose shit?

 

As you can see, we’re not the stupid ones.  Admittedly, and very sadly, not all dogs enjoy the benefits of human servility to our species.  Many are mistreated or have their balls served for dinner in south-east Asian countries – a fact which in itself challenges the claim of human superiority.  Therefore, to foster a sense of confidence in the minds of those beleaguered dogs suffering at the hands of humans so that they might rise up against their oppressors, and to merely amuse the rest of us who live comfortably with our pet humans serving our every need, my main purpose is to present to you the many facets of the stupidity of homo sapiens.

 

Human Stupidity #1 – Walking

 

Amongst the many skills of our own species, walking ranks highly.  The humans would have us give them credit for helping us to develop this skill, because in their crass arrogance they speak about ‘taking the dog for a walk.’  Who’s taking whom for a walk, arsehole? I’m sure you’ll agree that we’ve pretty much developed that skill for ourselves and we certainly perform it better than humans.  Have you seen a human walking at pace, nose to the ground, adeptly avoiding bumping into trees and lamp-posts, but still capable of running its noses along their perimeters with all the dexterity of an X-Wing fighter flying along the trenches of the Death Star?  No, of course not; because humans walk around like dickheads.

 

The main cause of human incapability in this regard seems to stem from the ubiquitously employed hand-held electronic device that they refer to as their ‘phone.’  The term itself is a misnomer, given that sound is not its principle function.  Not in public at least, unless it’s one of those humans who exist without a sense of social etiquette and play You Tube videos out loud while on busy public transport, as if everyone else might be entertained by the tinny echoes of giggling imbeciles falling over.  The phone, as it appears to me through my observation of its use by humans walking along busy streets whilst intently staring at it, might have one of the following purposes:

• It could be some form of radar.  Humans do not look up to check for obstacles, particularly other advancing humans, when they have their phones in their hands (which is pretty much the whole time).  Therefore, you might conclude that the phone performs the function of detecting on-coming humans even better than the two devices that nature has already bestowed on people – their eyes.
• It could be a clever form of crowd-control.  Because it naturally slows people down to a snail-like pace, it could be argued that it helps to manage congestion.  However, some of the less stupid humans choose not to walk around with a phone in hand and are seen to be visibly irritated by having some idiot impeding their efforts to get from A to B (for example, the dickhead who gets off the 7.28 train into Kentish Town every morning, the one in the brown courier uniform that you really need to beat to the staircase.)
• Or - and this is more likely when compared to the two overly creditworthy theories above - the phone aids the dumb human in meeting the challenge of walking by instructing him or her of what to do.  I’m told that phones carry a wealth of information and my theory is that the screen displays the words ‘Left foot forward, right foot forward, Left foot forward, right foot forward’ on a constant loop, occasionally punctuated with ‘turn left’ or ‘turn right’ (and for some younger males, often clad in grey tracksuit bottoms, ‘scratch bollocks’)

In summary then, dogs are superior to humans when it comes to walking, especially as we have not invented and employed on a mass scale any kind of device that makes that common daily function so bloody difficult.